kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
