eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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