He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
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Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
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