I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Randomize
