omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Your dad touched me again.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
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relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
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He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.