..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually