Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
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I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
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Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.