tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?