I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
you inspire me to be a worse person
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
