there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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