i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Found the puke drawer
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
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