I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
