So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
