I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
