I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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