Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
