I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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