I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
