she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
