I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
