Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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