she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
