I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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