It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
