Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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