you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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