everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
