Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
