If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
