Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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