There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
