well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
