dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
