just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
