I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Randomize
