I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
sex in a hospital.. check
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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