you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
