I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
