Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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