Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
