I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
