your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
