I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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