btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
