I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
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