i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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