I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
