Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
