my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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