I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
