So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
