Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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