put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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