Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
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