dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
