She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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