this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
