Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
