You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
