I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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