girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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