and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
